Against the Tide
by Aerhiana
Summary: Will Xander be happy? Can he continue to fight against his heart? slash
1. Default Chapter

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Against the Tide

Xander was a man. Xander was a man who wanted. But what he wanted was unthinkable. What he wanted was everything he had fought against.

Xander had been fighting against his desire for over two years. Two years of waking up aching, with a hole in his heart and mind. His instincts clamoring against the dictates of his mind. He had immersed himself in other relationships. First with Anya, all the way up to the disastrous wedding, to his recent relationship disaster with Andrew - and hadn't his bisexuality been a shock to the Scooby gang. Willow, surprisingly, hadn't taken it well.

Which was odd - but living on the Hellmouth, what was one more oddity? Buffy and Dawn had been surprisingly supportive, and Giles, well Giles, had given him a stiff, meaningful, clasp on the arm and promised to support him. Spike didn't say anything at all. Nothing. And that hurt, it hurt so badly.

That day the girls had discovered him having sex with Andrew when they used his emergency key to surprise him for his birthday, it was the end of that relationship. Andrew, poor little Andrew, dumped him. Said it was no fun anymore now that everyone knew. Had slept with him completely for the thrill of being his secret, gay, companion.

Xander hadn't expected real love - but he was tired of being a novelty. Tired of being someone's sex toy. When would he be able to have a real relationship with someone who wanted him for him? Surely that wouldn't happen with Spike. Of course, he knew it. But couldn't a man hope?

But when had hope ever worked for him.

He had hoped one day he would waken up and be loved by his parents. Parents - too kind a word to describe them. Drunk day after day. Complaining about his ungrateful ass. Even his duty calls were rejected. If he was dead on the street, he was sure they'd hop over his body to get to the nearest liquor store.

Then came Willow. Friends forever, right? No, ever since Jesse died and Buffy came into their lives. He was slowly edged out. First by the magic, go magical Willow. Then the thing with Oz. College. Now he had somehow committed a sin by liking guys. Ironic, much? But their camaraderie and love had been strained to the max before this revelation.

When did I become so unimportant? Wasn't I loyal enough? Didn't I love enough? Xander's mind raced frantically.

Xander looked around his small apartment. There was the black couch that Spike loved to complain about as he watched Xander's TV and drank his beer. On the windows, were the blackout curtains he'd gotten to protect Spike when he occasionally hid out at Xander's apartment. There on the carpet next to the kitchen was the blood stains that wouldn't come out when Spike had spilled his mug of blood as he frantically gestured at the TV during a tense moment on Passions.


	2. Chapter 2 Crossroads

Monday Night - 11:45 p.m.

Xander woke up to the sound of a crash, an all too familiar sound these days. Spike had arrived after another drunken night at Willy's, and it was now time for Xander to comfort him because Buffy didn't love him. Time to be the nice guy again. Time to have his heart ripped out again as he heard the man he loved talk about how much he wanted the Slayer, how it had felt when she pinned him against the walls enthralling him with her prowling, harsh desire to feel something. Hear how Spike would take that again even if it wasn't the love he wanted - take anything if only Buffy would touch him again.

Xander wanted to howl with anguish - but he was a glutton for punishment. Holding Spike as he cried drunken tears, lightly caressing his hair, and when Spike passed out into the sleep of the dead in the morning, he was able to hold him, smell Spike's unique scent, and pretend for one second that it was him. Spike loved Xander.

Of course, then the alarm would go off, and Xander would have to get up and go to work. Tear himself from his dream and curse himself again for being so weak.

I am so weak, Xander shouted to himself. I was Dracula's butt monkey. I was bait for Angel. I was a punching bag for my parents. I am the one without a backbone - it's my fault they hurt me, my fault they can't love me. Me. I wish that - see haven't I learned anything. Why am I always so stupid? Never learnt like everyone else. Can't help with research. Can't help with fighting. I am just a joke. Just a joke.

"SsXand . . . ner!" Spike's voice caused Xander's heart to jump. "Di . . did . . I scare ya, Sander? I think I did. Ol' Spikey's still, still got it!

Spike laughed drunkenly.

"Yeah, you tell her Xanner - Spikey's still got it. Don't I still have it?" He whined drunkenly.

Xander forced himself from his cocoon of blankets. He walked into the living room and saw Spike framed by the dull light of the living room lamps. He was a contrast in light in shadows. White hair gleaming, light casting his body's contour into the shadows. Day and night, light and dark - Spike.

And Xander? Always focusing on his pain. Looking in the window, reaching his hand out, and never grasping the prize. Wouldn't take any risks. Caught up in his guilt, too afraid to reach out.

Xander was tired of being a coward. No more. No more.

Xander looked into that beloved face, saw the pain, felt it reflected, and knew he had to make a change. Had to stop the cycle. He couldn't keep torturing himself. Couldn't keep his feeling a secret. Forced himself to go to Spike. He reached his hands out, stopped, and moved back.

Spike. Please. Stop doing this to yourself. Buffy, she's not . . . " Xander paused.


	3. Chapter 3

Tuesday

Xander ignored the slow murmur of voices surrounding him and concentrated on the dull, grey window and the passing black and wispy scenery. Trying to drown out the voice in his head with nothingness. He couldn't think, couldn't let him self remember the look. The look of dis . . . he wouldn't think about it. It was time for Xander to take care of himself. No one can love me, he thought and who can blame them.

If I don't know who I am, if I hate myself, if I don't think I'm worthy - I can't keep holding out hope that one day - he's going to love me. Spike, he cried silently, tears clumping his lashes, making his nose stuffy, and burning his cheeks. Why did I expect you to be kind - I knew you would never love me, but I thought you could forgive me for loving you. I never expected you to laugh, and I never expected you to spit on me and call me unnatural.

Unnatural - maybe I am. Maybe I am. But I am not the only one. And I am damned if I am going to stay here any longer and be everyone's favorite chew toy.

I won't be the one everyone laughs at - where's my vengeance demon to grant my wish? Oh, yeah - I am not feminine enough for her. And I'm not feminine enough for you, Spike. Xander thought bitterly and laughed out loud hysterically, causing the drunk next to him on the Greyhound bus to startle.

"If I had been a woman, I bet they wouldn't have treated me this way!" he whispered huskily. "Spike would want me! I wish, oh it's silly to wish that I was a woman!"

The drunk beside him shuddered and the bus started to shake. "Wish granted," the drunk laughed as his face metamorphosed into a demon.


End file.
